Peter Hentges (jbru) wrote,
Peter Hentges

  • Music:

Dangerous thoughts

Half-formed musings run through my head without finding good outlet. Are things worth saying? Should I say them here, to youse guys? Should I say them "out loud" in a private posting? If I think them is that enough? Is it dangerous to think them? Will saying them at all be hurtful to those I care for?

It's all very vague to me (and to you, gentle reader, I'm sure).

I think I need a confidant. Someone I can talk to about dangerous things. Things that need release but don't necessarily have a purchase on reality. Thoughts without attachment. Ideas one never means to follow through on. Someone without attachment to my family, friends and community. Someone who not only wouldn't but really couldn't let something slip and bring possibility of hurt into the real word as thought touched reality like anitmatter, exploding beyond all intention.

Makes me wish I was Catholic and had a confessor.

I suppose I could look up a mental health professional. Work has a referral network of some sort. I don't think I need fixing, however, and it seems inappropriate to pay (through insurance, sure, but still) for someone to listen to me vent or gripe or just ponder one thing or another. And I think it would take me either a good chunk of time or a good bit of whiskey to trust a stranger enough to open up in that way.

Hmm. I don't know that there are answers to my dilemma. Or, again, that it needs resolution, really. I've always had thoughts like these, I suppose, sometimes more, sometimes fewer but always a dark thought or two bouncing around whispering in an ear, promising something or warning of something that, when exposed to the light of logic or the stillness of deeper thought, proves to be unfounded or not aligned with my strongest wishes.

Here's a thought that might help me exorcise my inner demons. Given that some of you reading know me to one degree or another: What is the worst thing you think I'd be capable of doing?

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