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Weedpocalypse Redux - Peter Hentges

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September 23rd, 2004

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11:26 am - Weedpocalypse Redux
I went out to look at the prairies this morning. Things looked blissful on the surface. the cupplant is starting to bloom, the bees buzzed lazily over the smooth blue aster and the bergamot. Proceeding to the eastern edge of the prairie, however, I noticed a particular specimen of prairie dropseed grass that was looking a bit haggard.

It was smooshed down as if nested upon by a family of bunnies and the lower and inner stems were drying. I fluffed it up a bit and, thereby, noticed some interlopers.

I'm used to getting random stragglings of grasses and weeds infiltrating from the lawn. I pulled up one of the rogue bits of grass slowly, so as not to break it off from it source. I followed it back to its lair and discovered that what I took as an innocent prairie dropseed violated by amorous bunnies was, in fact (and I used the scientific term here), a fucking rhizomatic motherfucker!

I tore into the violator, ripping its offending specialized stems from the ground where they threatened to choke out desirable plants. Then, my blood still up from that victory, I set about on a mission to patrol the rest of the planting to search for similar enemies.

Before long, I began to notice the subtle infiltration of Charlie. Creeping Charlie, that is, that insidious, invasive, obnoxious ground cover that, if given a foothold, would plunge the entire region into godless communism. There were inroads on the east, and the first tentative probes to the south. Thank God my defenses to the west were holding or I might have been over-run!

Now, still sweaty from my victory over the heathen weed, I reflect on how close I came. In a way I have to admire the crazy weeds. They know how to fight this war on a level of morality that is beyond most plants. I won't let that madness consume me, however, lest I slip totally into the weed mindset and be lost to civilization.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Mary's Eyes--Gaelic Storm--Tree

(5 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:September 23rd, 2004 09:54 am (UTC)
Just want to let you know that I really enjoyed this! But you really do not want to see my backyard, where--to continue your metaphor--Satan has clearly won
[User Picture]
Date:September 23rd, 2004 07:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, trust me, my back yard has fallen in large part to the demon weed! If only a person could smoke it or something; then we'd have the government coming around and tearing it out of our lawns to prevent the Downfall of 'Murican Youth.

Hmm, there's an idea, see if I can get kids hooked on smoking Creeping Charlie....
[User Picture]
Date:September 23rd, 2004 10:58 am (UTC)
There is help, I know of several weapon systems that do minimal collateral damage. If worse come to worse a spec ops team will come ID everything then quarantine the un-wanted till a final solution is authorized.

Brig. Gen. Jack D. Ripper

Keeping our bodily fluids clean since 1964
[User Picture]
Date:September 23rd, 2004 07:59 pm (UTC)
You keep your fluids clean, sir, and I'll see to my own.
[User Picture]
Date:September 23rd, 2004 02:43 pm (UTC)
You crack me up, man.

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