Then I remembered Ericka mentioning that she usually watches those episodes on Thursdays because I'm gone. Thursday is my weekly wargame night over at my friend Bob's. I looked at the time; it was after 8:00. We typically get started at 6:30 so there was really no point in me getting over there only to turn around and head back. So I blew it off.
Today, Bob calls to harangue me about missing the game. After a bit of good-natured harassment, he asks if everything is OK. "I think so," I said. "That means no," he replied and my defenses shot up. Sure I'm OK. Why wouldn't I be OK? I'm not depressed; I'm just not happy. Things are OK. Really they are.
But after getting off the phone with Bob, I got to thinking. I really enjoy the game at Bob's. The game itself is fun and the guys are great to hang out with. And that's not the only thing that I've blown off or made lame excuses for lately.
So this morning, I did a Google search for "signs of depression" I found a handy test and took it. Now sure, 22 true/false questions don't a diagnosis make. Looking over the questions, however, I had to answer "true" to at least 12 of them. (I answered false to some of them, rationalizing that even thought I might feel that way, I knew it wasn't true.) Well, that was just over the threshold of "An appointment with your health care provider is advised."
I've been on anti-depressants before. I took Paxil for a couple of winters and it helped get me through those long dark days. I didn't take any this year, to see if there was a difference. Looks like I found one. So now I get to listen to my sweetie tell me she was right all along, but that's small pain compared to how much better I know my life will be once my brain chemistry is rebalanced.